Focus on What You Can Do, and Think About What You Still Have if You Lose Everything
Something that CBT therapy taught me is that anxiety can tend to make you vulnerable to catastrophizing and making things bigger than they are. Black and white thinking is also associated with this. Things are never going to get better...I will be like this forever...nothing will change and I will be miserable forever...no matter what I do things will never get better...it's like this and will never change; these are just a couple of examples of thoughts like this can can run through your head.
For me personally, I have had to come to accept many things about myself (in therapy, they call this radical acceptance). My anxiety disorder, which I've had my entire life, has given me some limitations. But it has also given me strengths. Much of this has made itself evident in about every aspect of my life...whether in relationships, in my career, in school, even down to the ability to feel safe in traffic or walking on the side of the road. I have had to accept these limitations and cope with them in the best way I can. It has meant that I have to accept that I don't quite function like someone who doesn't have this disorder. I also have had to accept that I personally need medication every day and regular therapy.
And its ok! Why? Because I have given myself permission to accept my limitations and just do the best I can based on them. I have had to learn that I do well in some situations, and in others I struggle...and again, that's ok. My anxiety is, in its essence, situational...therefore I have to adjust my living for that and create healthy boundaries for myself.
Two things really have helped me too, particularly, to accept myself and live in a way that is more healthy and safe for myself...
Focus on What You Can Do
and
Think About What You Still Have if You Lose Everything
Focus on What You Can Do
When you accept you have limitations, and can identify them, I have found it useful to focus on what you can do. Gratitude can be an important part of this too.
You can make a list. And the list can be centered around your strengths and around things people have said you are good at. Here is a sample list for me...
If, for example, I wanted to make a list for a hard time I am going through, so I can focus on things I can do (with the understanding that there are certain things I can't do because it is too painful or emotionally hard for me to handle)...I could write a list like this...
I can...
Take a walk
Eat a simple lunch and dinner
Sleep and rest when I need to
Watch my favorite Netflix show
Chat in messenger with a friend
Do 1 nice thing for someone today
Do 1 thing today or this week that is hard
Take care of an animal or plant
Read a book
This is obviously just an example. You may or may not feel like doing so many things. The point though is to find a few things you can do and give yourself permission to do them. I also don't personally like to make a list that goes out farther than a week. To me its unnecessary to give yourself the burden of thinking so far ahead, especially when you are going through a rough time.
I have also found it useful to make a script for how I approach hard things. For me, for example, I have made a script for how I approach my career pursuits. This is a big part of my life, and it affects people I am associated with. Some pain is also associated with it because of how my disorder has tainted my experience with it in the past. I know that if I let my anxiety control how I see it, I could become paralyzed and unable to function with it...which is why its so important that I have balanced and tempered thoughts about it.
This script is just an example...you can do a script for anything that you have anxiety about or are struggling with.
My sample script for my career pursuits
Think About What You Still Have if You Lose Everything
I used to have an unhealthy relationship with loss. It was one of the things that led to the challenge I had in some dark times I've had (as mentioned in the previous article). Now though, after gads of therapy and really learning to understand myself better, I've realized that thoughts can be distorted which can lead to harmful actions.
And its hard, you know. Because when you have those negative thoughts, and that cloud encircling you, its super hard to stop the train of thinking. Sometimes the thoughts are just so overwhelming that they seem the threaten to bring you down, throw you into a pit of darkness, and leave you all alone while you gasp for air. I've come to realize though...after going through thinking like this...that they are just thoughts. Yes, they swirl around you and seem to threaten you...but you can get yourself out of them. If you could just focus on one thing...one light in the darkness that you can follow out...you can and will escape and the negative thoughts will have no power over you.
What is that light for you? What is that one thing that you can focus on that you still will have even if you feel that you are threatened to lose everything?
For me once, it was Hellboy comics. Even if I lose everything, Hellboy will still be around. I can check out the comics from the library or read them online. Hellboy will still be there.
Another time, it was my daughter Megan. I clung to the thought that my daughter loves me and enjoys spending time with me. I will still be able to play games with her or take her to get a happy meal at Mcdonalds.
Bai Coconut drink will still be around...Taco Bell Mexican Pizza will still be around...my friend Kurt will be around...someone still loves me no matter how far I may imagine or think I've fallen.
I don't mean to be trivial with this either. There is a big difference obviously between a comic book that one enjoys and a person. The important thing is that you choose something, anything...focus on it and let it have your attention for some time. Because that one thought...that light...can lead to another thought and another and another till you have the ability to disperse the negative thoughts. Darkness after all, can't survive in the light.
And its important to give yourself permission to think of that thought too. Your health is important and so is your life....even if its hard to think that at the time. I've actually had to learn to give myself permission for lots of things, especially as I've come to accept myself for how I am. I have also had to let go of the guilt that seems to always be attached to things I have imagined I should be doing or not doing to meet up to some standard or bar I will never reach. This to me is harmful guilt and can keep you repressed and down and will not lead to healthier action. As opposed to guilt that can lead you to be kinder to yourself, more forgiving of yourself, help you have more positive relationships with others and lead you down a less burdensome path with more happiness.
“So full of artless jealousy is guilt,
It spills itself in fearing to be spilt.”
William Shakespeare, Hamlet
“There are two kinds of guilt: the kind that drowns you until you’re useless, and the kind that fires your soul to purpose.”
Sabaa Tamir, An Ember in the Ashes
“The hardest thing about depression is that it is addictive. It begins to feel uncomfortable not to be depressed. You feel guilty for feeling happy.”
Pete Wentz
For me personally, I have had to come to accept many things about myself (in therapy, they call this radical acceptance). My anxiety disorder, which I've had my entire life, has given me some limitations. But it has also given me strengths. Much of this has made itself evident in about every aspect of my life...whether in relationships, in my career, in school, even down to the ability to feel safe in traffic or walking on the side of the road. I have had to accept these limitations and cope with them in the best way I can. It has meant that I have to accept that I don't quite function like someone who doesn't have this disorder. I also have had to accept that I personally need medication every day and regular therapy.
And its ok! Why? Because I have given myself permission to accept my limitations and just do the best I can based on them. I have had to learn that I do well in some situations, and in others I struggle...and again, that's ok. My anxiety is, in its essence, situational...therefore I have to adjust my living for that and create healthy boundaries for myself.
Two things really have helped me too, particularly, to accept myself and live in a way that is more healthy and safe for myself...
Focus on What You Can Do
and
Think About What You Still Have if You Lose Everything
Focus on What You Can Do
When you accept you have limitations, and can identify them, I have found it useful to focus on what you can do. Gratitude can be an important part of this too.
You can make a list. And the list can be centered around your strengths and around things people have said you are good at. Here is a sample list for me...
If, for example, I wanted to make a list for a hard time I am going through, so I can focus on things I can do (with the understanding that there are certain things I can't do because it is too painful or emotionally hard for me to handle)...I could write a list like this...
I can...
Take a walk
Eat a simple lunch and dinner
Sleep and rest when I need to
Watch my favorite Netflix show
Chat in messenger with a friend
Do 1 nice thing for someone today
Do 1 thing today or this week that is hard
Take care of an animal or plant
Read a book
This is obviously just an example. You may or may not feel like doing so many things. The point though is to find a few things you can do and give yourself permission to do them. I also don't personally like to make a list that goes out farther than a week. To me its unnecessary to give yourself the burden of thinking so far ahead, especially when you are going through a rough time.
I have also found it useful to make a script for how I approach hard things. For me, for example, I have made a script for how I approach my career pursuits. This is a big part of my life, and it affects people I am associated with. Some pain is also associated with it because of how my disorder has tainted my experience with it in the past. I know that if I let my anxiety control how I see it, I could become paralyzed and unable to function with it...which is why its so important that I have balanced and tempered thoughts about it.
This script is just an example...you can do a script for anything that you have anxiety about or are struggling with.
My sample script for my career pursuits
- While I have struggled with some positions and work environments, I have thrived and done well in others. And I have made decent money in some of them and been able to stay in them a decent amount of time.
- I am allowed to create safe boundaries with myself and my job. I don't have to work with toxic managers or in toxic work environments.
- I am allowed to work in something I enjoy and find passion in the work I do.
- I cannot control if companies have to downsize, if the economy experiences a downturn and I get laid off...I can control though how I react to these events.
- I cannot control if companies decide to hire me or not. Yes, I can do my best to prepare for a job interview and present my best self...but it still might not be enough...and that's ok!
- I can continue to learn. I can learn new things, meet new people, find a good place to work and thrive again.
As you can see from this script, there are common themes...acceptance...creating safety for oneself...recognizing the positive and downplaying the negative. All of this helps to curb the distortions that one could otherwise have. In the example of my career pursuits, I could think...I will never get a job...I am a loser...I will be a loser forever...I'll never be worth anything...there's always someone better than me so why should I even try. These are distortions and they are not good for your health. You can have distortions about anything...it doesn't have to be about your career pursuits either. Its important to know that that these distortions can muddy your actions and motivation to do what you need to do...in other words...
Distorted thinking can lead to distorted action. Tempered and non-distorted thinking can lead to tempered and non-distorted action.
Notice that I don't use the phrase 'positive thinking'. To me, that is too much of a black and white term. Sometimes its necessary to think realistically and in shades of gray to make progress. Thinking realistically does not have to mean you are thinking 'negatively' (or in the black) either. Thinking realistically could mean that you are taking into account who you are and what you have a challenge with and are willing to accept an alternate action because of that. Or, you can recognize the challenge and give yourself permission to takes steps to cope with it...however long that takes.
Think About What You Still Have if You Lose Everything
I used to have an unhealthy relationship with loss. It was one of the things that led to the challenge I had in some dark times I've had (as mentioned in the previous article). Now though, after gads of therapy and really learning to understand myself better, I've realized that thoughts can be distorted which can lead to harmful actions.
And its hard, you know. Because when you have those negative thoughts, and that cloud encircling you, its super hard to stop the train of thinking. Sometimes the thoughts are just so overwhelming that they seem the threaten to bring you down, throw you into a pit of darkness, and leave you all alone while you gasp for air. I've come to realize though...after going through thinking like this...that they are just thoughts. Yes, they swirl around you and seem to threaten you...but you can get yourself out of them. If you could just focus on one thing...one light in the darkness that you can follow out...you can and will escape and the negative thoughts will have no power over you.
What is that light for you? What is that one thing that you can focus on that you still will have even if you feel that you are threatened to lose everything?
For me once, it was Hellboy comics. Even if I lose everything, Hellboy will still be around. I can check out the comics from the library or read them online. Hellboy will still be there.
Another time, it was my daughter Megan. I clung to the thought that my daughter loves me and enjoys spending time with me. I will still be able to play games with her or take her to get a happy meal at Mcdonalds.
Bai Coconut drink will still be around...Taco Bell Mexican Pizza will still be around...my friend Kurt will be around...someone still loves me no matter how far I may imagine or think I've fallen.
I don't mean to be trivial with this either. There is a big difference obviously between a comic book that one enjoys and a person. The important thing is that you choose something, anything...focus on it and let it have your attention for some time. Because that one thought...that light...can lead to another thought and another and another till you have the ability to disperse the negative thoughts. Darkness after all, can't survive in the light.
And its important to give yourself permission to think of that thought too. Your health is important and so is your life....even if its hard to think that at the time. I've actually had to learn to give myself permission for lots of things, especially as I've come to accept myself for how I am. I have also had to let go of the guilt that seems to always be attached to things I have imagined I should be doing or not doing to meet up to some standard or bar I will never reach. This to me is harmful guilt and can keep you repressed and down and will not lead to healthier action. As opposed to guilt that can lead you to be kinder to yourself, more forgiving of yourself, help you have more positive relationships with others and lead you down a less burdensome path with more happiness.
“So full of artless jealousy is guilt,
It spills itself in fearing to be spilt.”
William Shakespeare, Hamlet
“There are two kinds of guilt: the kind that drowns you until you’re useless, and the kind that fires your soul to purpose.”
Sabaa Tamir, An Ember in the Ashes
“The hardest thing about depression is that it is addictive. It begins to feel uncomfortable not to be depressed. You feel guilty for feeling happy.”
Pete Wentz
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